So you probably haven’t been involved in anything like divorce mediation. You probably haven’t figured out what’s involved or how to go about it.

What to bring. There will be long stretches of time when it’s just you and your lawyer in your conference room, either analyzing an offer or counter offer from your ex, formulating your own counter offer, or waiting for the other side to respond to your last counter offer. That time is best spent thinking reasonable thoughts and sampling the delicious variety of snack foods that your mediator will have set out on a tray in the middle of the table in your conference room if he has any decency at all. (Fun scientific fact: Calories don’t count during mediation.)

I hope for your sake you like your lawyer’s personality, because you’re going to have a lot of togetherness that day. There’s only so much chitchat one can take, so make sure you bring stuff to do when you’re all talked out. A fully charged cell phone and an iPad or laptop (and chargers for all of the above, just in case) are must-haves. I’ve seen clients bring knitting projects or busy work like invitations to address to their upcoming divorce shower to help pass the time and keep them calm.
If you’re old school, you can even bring an actual book with paper pages and a cover and everything.

But here’s one thing you can’t bring: guests. Even if you feel like you cannot function without your sister, mom, or best bro, trust me on this one: Mediation is something you need to on your own. You may think these key people will add support–and they might fully intend to; but nine times out of ten their very presence clouds your decision making and risks torpedoing the whole process. So, put on your big girl or big boy pants and suck it up. This is a job for you and your lawyer.

What to wear. Mediation is not as formal as court, but not as casual as, say, going to the gym. Aim for that sweet spot between a Hillary Clinton power suit and yoga attire. Business casual is the name of the game.

It’s important to make a good impression on the mediator. She can’t make rulings, but she can (and does) form opinions–and those opinions might influence how she sizes up you and your positions. If you’re in Daisy Dukes and a halter that says “My blood alcohol level is .0 percent of your business,” and your ex is in slacks and a button down shirt, that might affect how seriously the mediator takes your insistence on the importance of your having the exclusive right to make medical, educational, and psychological decisions about your children.

Whatever you wear, make sure every piece of clothing comfortable, all the way down to the shoes on your feet. There’s nothing more miserable than being trapped in an uncomfortable outfit while you’re cooped up in a small room for 8 hours trying to negotiate your divorce. No amount of yummy snack food can make that feel okay.

How to Act. Mediation is not the departure lounge for your soul-searching journey–you should have taken (and returned from) that trip already. It’s important to think through your divorce priorities in advance and arrive at mediation knowing what you can (or can’t) live with (or without). It’s likewise imperative for you to be clear on your positions on the various issues, but it’s equally imperative that you arrive with an open mind. That might sound inconsistent, but it’s not.

If you moved out of the house last year and have said all along that your ex can have it because all it is to you is a museum of miserable marital memories, don’t show up to mediation demanding to get the house back. If you and your ex have been following a week-on, week-off schedule with the kids since you split up, don’t come to mediation demanding that his time be cut in half. Pitching an unreasonable position out of the blue on a hot button issue is a guaranteed way to sabotage the day.

If you describe yourself as a reasonable person, this is exactly the forum for you to walk that talk. There’s a difference between holding firm on things that you feel strongly about and being unreasonably stubborn. Mediation is not the time or place for hardball or sucker punches. Compromise is the name of the game.

Ty Zdravko practices law as a divorce attorney, and family law attorney in Palm Harbor, Clearwater and the surrounding area.

For more information, visit our website at www.divorceboardcertified.com
or call (727) 787-5919.